I have reached the stage in life where I could insult nice people without meaning too. An example of this lies is my dislike of the over use of tattoo's, in the tattoo fashion that seems to have swept the country. If I ruled the land I would gladly fine the likes of David Beckham half of his vast earnings, for his fame and example helped encourage this ridiculously craze. I'd then use the money to fund research into ways to painlessly remove these ugly tattoos from those who will, in time, no longer want their body's disfigured. However, when I describe those who have excess tattoos as mindless twerps, I risk insulting the people who love those mindless twerps. For all I know, my sister Phyl may have grandchildren who are covered in the damned things, so my words could both upset and annoy her which is something I would never wish to do. My nephew Pete once had to endure my lambasting of the Lampeter borks who've covered themselves in the monstrosities. He responded amusingly with an email in which he informed me he'd just had, 'Proud To Be A Tuffs,' tattoo'd down his right arm. He went on to suggest that he felt it might be a good idea for all the descendants of Walt and Ruby to do the same. I presume and pray he was joking!
Another thing that irritates this ageing hermit is men sporting the, 'Designer Stubble,' look. (Nieces, I apologise if this describes your man's appearance.) I was watching, The Apprentice, TV show recently, and a contestant was in this very fashionable mode. His mother may have thought he looked resplendent but, to me his designer stubble just made him look devious. He then spoke and he immediately ticked another of my boxes of annoyance, for he pronounced his TH's as F's, so every think became a fink! In one scene he was speaking, trying to impress Lord Sugar and the other contenders, when he made this statement. "Good chess players fink one more move ahead. Great players, like myself, fink two, or free, moves ahead, there's noffink you can frow at me that I can't be brilliant at!" The poor man sounded both arrogant and thick at the same time as well as looking untrustworthy, but he did give me a chuckle.
The wonderful actress, Emma Thompson, recently said to pupils at her old school that lazy speech will make them look stupid. I think she was right. The Apprentice contestant's speech was both lazy and confusing and it reminded me of an occasion, many years ago, when I'd been visiting my Horsham shop. A rather upper class lady came in and asked for some dart flights. It emerged she had been sent to get them by her son, Frederick, and that was where the confusion started. "What Fred?" said my salesman, of course he meant 'thread.' "Oh, you know Freddie?" said Mrs Upper Class, thinking he knew her son. "Whose Freddie?" said my puzzled member of staff with a blank look. "My Son," said the bemused lady. "Well what's Freddie want?" the salesman asked. "Dart flights for his darts," said Freddy's confused mother. The salesman produced a box of assorted types and sizes and then asked, "What fred size, fick or fin!" That's where I decided to step in for I'd been amused enough. How the salesman had got through his job interview without this speech defect showing up, I know not. Perhaps he was lucky in not having to use any words like, throw, thought or think, but surely, when he got the job, he would have given the game away when he said, 'FANKS,' on hearing he'd been successful. I must have missed it!
So there you have it, three things which irritate me immensely, and three ways in which I may have insulted one of you. I asked Jenny if any other things irritated me on a regular basis and she started to laugh. She then had the audacity to suggest that the list was endless, so I challenged her to write them down, she's still writing, and predicts she'll be doing so for months. I await with bated breaf. Boom boom!
This reflection was intended to tell of the three things I moan about which could offend people, they cover my dislike of tattoos, designer stubble and lazy speech. It has been suggested by my wife that some self appraisal would tell me that I constantly complain about many more than three things!