(106) ''Christmas And The Origins Of LO-AM'

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Ken
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(106) ''Christmas And The Origins Of LO-AM'

Ken
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Christmas is as commercial as you wish to make it and my brother Bob is a good example on how not to get dragged into its excesses.  He spends not one penny extra on the festive season apart from the cost of a few Christmas cards He told me he would decide what to eat for his Christmas lunch on the day itself, but it would be something simple from the every day selection stored in his food cupboard.  He said he'd spend the big day on his own and I knew he'd be completely happy, for that is how Bob always is.

Jenny and I do not get dragged into Christmas excesses either, but we still celebrate, much more than Bob. I doubt if he even owns a Christmas CD, for he's content without such things, but we're never happier than when festive music is playing.   Unlike Bob, our Christmas lunch was not everyday food but neither was it the traditional turkey with all the trimmings, for we decided long ago that involved too much work. In recent years we have opted for a meat fondue meal, which involves cooking the food at our table. Using fondue forks we dip various items in the the fondue pot. Meats such as chicken and steak, all cut into suitably small pieces, are freshly cooked in the boiling oil, as are streaky bacon rolls, king prawns and a mix of raw vegetables.  We use small mushrooms, baby sweetcorn's, sweet pepper strips and cauliflower and broccoli florets.  On the table we have potato salad, coleslaw, chutneys, a mixed salad bowl and various dipping sauces.  It truly is a meal fit for a King, especially me, 'King Kenneth of LO-AM.'

The Kingdom of LO-AM is what this memory is all about for I have been asked about its origins.  Some ask was it another of the ancient Anglo Saxon Kingdoms.  Kingdoms like Northumbria, Mercia, East Anglia, Wessex and Kent, I can confirm it was not.  LO-AM was never ruled by a historic King such as Northumbria's 'Eric the Bloodaxe,' Mercia's 'Offa the Dyke,' or Wessex's 'Alfred the Great.'  It was forged by me, the man some describe as, 'Ken the Deluded!' The name, LO-AM, began as the simple heading for my four part plan on how to lead my fledgling staff.  The first heading, began with the letter, L, and it stood for, LAW, my law, I definitely had delusions of grandeur back then.  The second part began with, O, which stood for, ORDER, both the structure that order creates, and those actual orders which had to be followed. The next letter was, A, and it stood for, ACTION, which meant getting things to move fast. 'Action This Second,' became my creed.  The last letter, M, stood for, MERRIMENT, which was what I promised would occur once success was achieved and it always was.  That was my private code for how things should work, in what I pompously thought of as my sphere of influence.  For a considerable time they did!

A Doctor, like my nephew Shaun, quite rightly has letters after his name, as does my brother Gordon, for his years of study were long.  My sisters husband, Lou Gibson MBE, was honoured with his MBE for services to his country which was richly deserved.  The letters that followed my name on my business cards were not richly deserved, 'Ken Tuffs L.O.A.M,' was just me on my high horse.  Before long one of my staff decided they stood for, 'Leader Of All Men,' and that amused me.  Shortly after one of my most loyal warehouse staff began addressing me as, Leader, and soon some of the shop staff did likewise.  I'd get some strange looks in pubs and restaurants when I was spoken to in this fashion and I know the reps who called found it a unusual experience.  This was added to by the sight of a riding crop and a replica German Luger pistol that were always on top of my desk.  The riding crop was a gift from an old gent called, Willie Watson, to help keep the staff in order, I needed no help but I liked the idea of having the whip hand. The Luger pistol was supplied by a replica weapon salesman who thought it went with my reputation for hard negotiating.  So you see the word, LO-AM, played a big part in the world of business that I treated like a giant game, I made it a fun place. It was natural, therefore, that when, Ken's Kingdom, was born, and later, Kens Cosy, that the name of the world smallest monarchy should become, 'The Kingdom of LO-AM!'

The initials of ones name can be a curse.  An early boss of mine had the initials, W.E.B, and he became known by his staff as, 'Spider.'  I put a stop to someone calling my brother Wally, 'Drip,' just because his initials spelt, W.E.T.  I recall a time in a local pub when such things were being spoken of and I amused myself with a set of white lies on this subject.  I was speaking about my brothers and I created some laughter when I said that our Dad had given them initials that spelt unfortunate words.  Lens full name, I explained, was Leonard Oswald Umberto Tuffs, which spelt, Lout.  I added that Gordon's full name was, Gordon Ivan Tuffs, which spelt, Git.  Warming to the subject, and going into bullshit overdrive, I said that my brother Bobs full name was, Frederick Arthur Robert Tuffs, but for reasons unknown he'd always been called Bob.  I watched my fellow drinkers work out what the initials spelt and I saw then slowly smile, its strange how the word, FART, can always raise a laugh.  I continued with my well intentioned untruths, about my fathers names for his sons, by saying in many cases he'd given us historical names, which was why he'd included Napoleon in my name.  "What is your full name then?" was the question asked of me. "Kenneth Ulysses Napoleon Tuffs," I replied, their laughter made my convoluted bullshit worthwhile!

I hope you had as enjoyable a Christmas as Jenny and I, and as peaceful a Christmas as my beloved brother Bob chose to have.  During ours, we looked back on a year that gave the whole Tuffs family a wonderful gift, when our nephew Peter published his book, 'Proud To Be A Tuffs,' but it also brought sadness with the loss of our brother in law, Steve Wilcox.  2014 was a year which saw me write over fifty memories for, 'Kens Cosy,' which in turn brought people back in contact who I hadn't heard from for decades.  Some of those people had no reason to like me but hearing from them was a delight I hope will continue.  The story about, 'initials,' prove I have the ability to spin a yarn, but I repeat the words I wrote at the end of 2013.  Everything I write in Kens Cosy is, to the best of my knowledge, always true.  I've enjoyed sharing my memories and I'm proud they're appreciated by both my friends and my family.

Friends and Relatives, I wish you all well!
      Ken xxxX or FMH.    
Ken
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Re: (106) ''Christmas And The Legend Of LO-AM'

Ken
Administrator
This post was updated on .
This story is one that wrote itself and I followed where it led.  It began with the Christmas of 2014 and then it zoomed back to the Anglo Saxon England of Alfred the Great.  It ended on a memory that I hope will both amuse and explain the mystery of my full name.