(131) 'The Immovable Bulk'

[Ken]

Some weeks ago I sent an email to two of my siblings detailing the events of an unusual day.  I'd titled the email, The Immovable Bulk, and soon it was suggested the article ought to be memorialised as a stand alone, 'Kens Cosy Story,' so here is the letter in all its simplistic glory.

Dear Gordon and Phyl.
                               I was thinking of you both this morning and I felt compelled to contact you.  No real reason apart from it's sometimes good to share ones day to day adventures.

I'll begin with the latest chapter in the saga of my immovable bulk for despite the fears and predictions of the cancer team I'm in contact with, your little brother is not losing weight?  Of course that pleases both them and me but the downside of being so heavy is it affects my mobility and my legs now have no strength at all.  That's not entirely due to the pounds I'm packing but in part to the cancerous growth at the base of my spine.  It seems, by the way, that the radiotherapy treatment I had recently with regard to this problem has had a positive side effect with regard to my regular bowel movement.  It's a strange world siblings, but these days Jenny and I almost rejoice when I arise from the commode to discover I've delivered a truly well constructed turd. For weeks I've known not what, when or how I'd deliver!

On a recent Saturday my immovable bulk collapsed just after my afternoon nap.  In doing so I'd also crashed my back into the sharp side of a chest of drawers that hurt me considerably.  I realised quite quickly that I no longer possessed the strength to get up unaided so I called Jenny, who in turn called Morgan in from his Cabin.  Despite some ingenious suggestions from Morgan, half an hour passed and I was still firmly rooted to my bedroom floor.  I decided at least one more pair of strong arms were required so I sent Jenny to ask our next-door neighbour, Lewis, if he could be of any help?

At this point in this epic story it must be said that I'd never met Lewis for my illness and the recent pandemic had made it impossible.  The only time I'd ever seen him was shortly after he and his wife moved in and it was during one of the, 'Clap for the NHS,' evenings.  I was standing in my driveway as I loudly banged a wooden spoon on a saucepan.  He was standing by his front door, holding his dog and from a distance we both acknowledged each other with a friendly nod.  In the months that followed Jenny and Morgan got on well with our new neighbours but when he walked into my bedroom that night, Lewis was a total stranger to me!

What Lewis saw when he responded to my greeting, was an arm, stretching up from ground level in expectation of a firm manly handshake. He also saw a beached whale lookalike called me, dressed in just a tee shirt and incontinence pants, which is what I wear in bed!  There is a saying, 'You never get a second chance to make a first impression,' well my hunch that day told me that Lewis first impression of me would be a long lasting one.  He and Morgan used their combined strength to try to move my immovable bulk for thirty minutes or so without success.  Then they attempted to move me using scientific methods and a selection of pillows/cushions to slowly raise me up, but still I remained firmly glued to terra-firma.  They were both exhausted, with aching private parts, when I finally called a halt to their doomed efforts and they both collapsed on the floor next to me.

Accepting defeat, Morgan immediately phoned the NHS for assistance and, strange as it might seem, the following floor level conversation was very enjoyable for Morgan, Lewis and I, for we had great fun and much laughter as we put the world to rights.  Lewis, a naval officer, deplored Russia's recent behavior and like me, he applauded Ukraines fighting spirit.  That unplanned, floor level get-together went very well but Lewis had long gone home when the NHS rapid response man finally arrived to rescue me at 1.30am the next morning.  That was almost eight hours in one position and I must admit that even my aches, ached! The weird inflatable contraption he used to lift me had me safely on my bed in a matter of minutes and for that, the one time, 'Immovable Bulk,' was truly thankful. I slept very soundly that night dear siblings.

Best Wishes to Everyone.

Your loving brother
         KEN
     FMH xxxX


                                     

[Ken]

For as long as I can remember I have been heavy, some would say dangerously heavy, but that was decades ago. However, patients like me must be the cause of nightmare's for those of the countries ambulance crews who may have to lift us, the immovable bulks of this world!