(67) 'The Tale Of Tommy Coopers Doughnuts'

[Ken]

At the end of a recent email my nephew Peter reminded me of an old joke.  The one where a patient is told by his Doctor that he has Tom Jones disease.  In reply to the worried patients question, "Is this a common complaint," the doctor replies, "It's Not Unusual," boom boom!  I must confess it still made me smile after all these years, as do some of the more amusing destinations my time machine mind decides to visit.

Today it has decided to visit the late 1960's and again it has arrived at the Red Lion pub in the village of Shamley Green. Many of my good friends were there including one of the very best, Colin Bowbrick, aka, Bojey.  Colin and I have been friends forever and a nicer chap would be hard to find.  Mind you, should he see an injustice or a wrong doing, then woe betide the perpetrator.  Many a time he has told a yob to mind their language or instructed someone to pick up their dogs mess.  I'm told there have been times when the local council have dreaded the mornings post in fear of a letter of complaint from a Mr. Colin Bowbrick.  "What's wrong with people?" is problaby his most used expression when speaking, followed by, "Well you say that, but ......"   I like and admire everything about my friend Bojey and the time we've shared together, especially the unintentional faux pas he made with five short words on that long ago Friday night.

Some people can tell a joke well, and some can't, I'd rate myself as one of the latter.  Therefore, whenever I've heard a joke, like the one from Pete mentioned above, I'd adjust it if possible, and then tell it as something that actually happened.  Just like my brother Len, I can be quite convincing in this leg pulling sort of way and I certainly fooled that nights crowd at our local, especially Bojey.  The joke I'd heard was about a magic trick involving a doughnut and a watch, which I adjusted into a make believe event concerning the entertainer Tommy Cooper.  I told those Red Lion regulars that another friend of ours, one John McEntee, aka Maxi, had been with me to see a Tommy Cooper show two days earlier.  I said the show was great and that in his act, Tommy asked to borrow a watch from any member of the audience.  When he received no offers at all, the giant Tommy walked over to our table and requested to borrow Maxi's watch.  I told the listening pub that this was duly given and Tommy returned to the stage, holding Maxi's watch aloft for everyone to see.  He then placed it in a small cloth bag and picked up a hammer.  "One Watch, One Hammer," he said, as he placed the cloth bag containing the watch on a strengthened table.  I then described how Tommy proceeded, with pantomime grunts and utterances, to hit the bag repeatedly.  

I told my friends the whole audience, including Maxi, were laughing.  Then Tommy stopped his manic hammering and, raising both his arms in the air, he just stood there in complete silence.  I could tell that my Red Lion buddies were completely taken in with my  yarn and so I continued.  With perfect comic timing Tommy then shook both hands, saying, "One Hammer, One Broken Watch," and as his hands shook, dozen of broken watch parts fell from the bag on to the table.  Then he turned the bag inside out to prove it was empty and announcing there would now be a short break he left the stage to a huge roar of laughter.  

Before I finish this story I think it would be helpful to say a few words on how we all viewed Maxi.  The fact that he was our friend  proved he was a nice guy, but we all knew in those days he could be volatile if offended.  One example of this took place in Cranleigh's White Hart Pub just weeks earlier.  A stranger had accidentally knocked Maxi's drink out of his hand and, as he turned to face my angry friend, I knew events could go in two directions.  But the stranger said, " I'm so sorry, please let me get you another drink."  I smiled inwardly as Maxi said, "No, accidents happen pal, let me get you one!"  He then proceeded to buy the man a drink, when without that timely apology the stranger may well have received the gift of a punch in the nose.  Having said all that let me now return to the story of what happened to our friends watch.

After a fifteen minute break Tommy Cooper returned to the stage but, as I told my gathered friends, he made no mention at all of Maxi's missing watch.  He went on with his act but it didn't seem so funny to Maxi anymore, who kept looking at his empty wrist.  As I continued telling this load of made up bunkum to my friends, I realised that no one was more taken in than Bojey.  I explained how the show eventually finished and Tommy left the stage.  Some people started to leave and Maxi looked at me in puzzlement, "Where's my bloody Watch," he muttered.  We sipped our beer as we watched the bars close and still heard nothing about his valuable watch,  None of the staff approached us and it was as if it had never been borrowed.  

"What happened then?," asked Bojey, and I told him that Maxi suddenly got up and charged into Tommy Coopers dressing room.  I followed immediately and we found Tommy surrounded by at least four bouncers.  He was calmly drinking some whisky and eating a doughnut taken from a bag full of of them.  "Where's my Watch," asked a forceful Maxi.  I informed my gathered friends that Tommy smiled and said,  "Have a doughnut son and take a bite," and he then held out the bag.  With a quizzical face Maxi took one and had a bite. "Guess what was inside it," I asked.  Half a dozen voices said, "His Watch."  "No," I replied, "JAM!"  

With that there was some laughter, a few moans, someone said what a lot of old claptrap and someone else said how they hated shaggy dog stories.  There then followed a question from a mystified Bojey that asked quite seriously, "Where was his watch then?" .......................The entire pub collapsed with laughter at the wonderful gullibility of my normally clued up friend.

If that story was not to your liking or if you didn't find it funny, hard cheese.  If you found it went on too long, then blame Peter Tuffs, for his joke for some reason reminded me of it.  As for me, I want to thank Colin 'Bojey' Bowbrick for the extra laugh his innocent question created over four decades ago.  Thank you for that Sir Bojey, and for your kindness and consideration and your lifelong friendship.  Cheers old Buddy!

PS. I wish to add that John 'Maxi' McEntee's volatile days ended with the end of the 1960's.  I used him in my leg pull because his persona at that time made the story believable.  Now he's known to us all as John and he's yet another example of Shamley Green's finest.  Maxi will feature in future Cosy memories.

[Ken]

This is what some may call a Marmite story for it may, or may not, suit your taste.  It features Colin Bowbrick, John McEntee and Tommy Cooper.  Some would call it a shaggy dog story, but it certainly made a crowd of Shamley Green-ites roar with laughter in the late 1960's.